life in 2009

so i have never been big on "new years resolutions"..but this year has been..in one word.. ROUGH..i have been through so many things..and put so many people through alot of crap as well..a quick review of this year for me:

January-February : I was okay. Enjoying being 17 : ]

March-September : I went through being a lesbian, to being so very depressed, to losing all of my friends almost, to being the biggest jerk possible..I was not a fun person..

October-December : God has taught me how He wants me to view life..and how to APPLY what I've learned..And to just enjoy being here..

So now that we have recapped this year..I would like to share my thoughts on what God wants me to do/be next year : ]

1st- I want to be 100% servant minded..God has really shown me the Joy i get from being what someone needs..a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or someone to encourage them..I truly understand now how joyous it is to see someone else happy..even if it takes sacrifice on my end : ]

2nd-Iwant to take every situation with GRACE..I want to see things..EVERYTHING..through HIS eyes..this year I have made a big deal out of everything..and hurt alot of people by doinng so..in 2009 I want to be a blessing..

3rd-I want to enjoy everything God gives me..and to remember to give Him thanks for all the things and situations He blesses me with..and give Him all the Glory : ]

and 4th..I want my heart to draw as close as possible to His..so that I can do these things I have listed..because I can't accomplish these things on my own..

I can't wait for my fresh slate of 2009 : ]

Jesus is amazing..

listen to Him..

i get to spend all day everyday with this little guy : ] i love my Drew : ]

another day in fAiRhOpE..my favorite place on earth : ]

tomorrow..

SO..tomorrow ( saturday nov.15) i am going to get up at like 6:00am and driveoverto fairhope..and watch the sunrise over the water..and spend the day taking beautimous pictures..and listening to God on the water..and do some shopping..and just enjoy the day.. and then imgonna come home and watch ALABAMA whip the mess out of mississippi state!!

so i really want to marry Fred Armisen..hmm..

A Weekend with the Channell's : ]

: ] some random pictures i found from 11th grade

John & Corey...and Me & Randy at Lunch..and John's finger : ]

por siempre

por siempre Dios es fuerte.. por siempre!!

What Be Happenin'

November:

11/7-11/8 Christmas Jubilee

11/9 Don & Cathy @ Garden Sanctuary

11/27-11/30 Thanksgiving in Warm Springs

Life is good..but Eternal life is better!! : ]

back to the future..hopefully not..maybe back to the past..square one..

so..i was finkin' tonight.. i'm on this challenge of not being negative..and stuff..and i'm still having the issue of how to balance out not being negative..AND also letting myself vent PROPERLY.. because in the past I have always seen how obnoxious a constantly negative person (like myself) can be..so I would force myself to not share any of my "feelings" or let anyone know I was dealing with something..because I didn't want to get on anyone's nerves.. but then that would cause me to randomly blow up because of all that had built up inside.. so I don't want to make that mistake again..just because I'm vowing to be posotive now, doesn't mean everything is suddenly fine and dandy..shit still happens.. SO i was thinking..maybe I should go back to my therapist..like once or twice a week, and just use that time to blow steam.. she/he doesn't mind listening to me rant for an hour.. she's getting paid to..and I can leave there with all of that off of my chest.. and not worry about who i annoyed.. hmm..what to do.. what to do..

This Commercial is SO FUNNY!!

so what..im not your average girl..

So what I'm not your average girl
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring


No more dating
I'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating
I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story

Boys are bad; that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for you
If you get tired waiting till he comes
God's arms are the perfect place to run



Sleep - that's the only thing for me
'Cause when I sleep
God's preparing one for me

lyrics by: barlow girl

Starbucks : ]

so this is kind of gross.. if your one of those dumb girls who gets sick easy.. but I find it rather amusing..

So.. about two weeks ago I was doing my Nanny job..and I had a major caffeine headache.. no Coke & no Starbucks for a while..not a pretty picture right? So I called my mom and asked her to bring me a White Mocha from St.Arbucks .. so she did and I drank the whole vente as usual.. and then a few hours later I realized I had caught a stomach bug from one of my babies.. So I threw up the ENTIRE White Mocha! (and those things are not cheap!).. And the worst part was when I threw up it smelled just like a white mocha! I havn't had one since..but Im having major withdrawls.. so I think im gonna risk it and drink one.. I NEED MY CAFFEINE!

Isn't it weird how throwing up can ruin some of your favorite foods for ya?

hmm.. He makes all things new..

so.. totally been thinkin' and prayin' about what IM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. But unlike the past..I have curiousity without frustration.. much more fun.. I look around me and I see people who are unsatisfied with life..and i realize how annoying it is to be around those people..and for the last month or so.. I HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. yuck : [ so now I'm just forbidding myself to be frustrated..I mean..He already told me everything will work out.. So why waste my time worrying and not being fun..

My plans for myself change almost constantly..one second Im moving to California to become and actress.. the next second I have decided to become a nun ( even though they wouldn't let me).. then I decide I want to be a teacher.. the list goes on and on.. which is why Im thankful that He has a plan for me.. because if it were up to me.. i would never make up my mind..

yay : ]

My Prayer

Lord God.. forgive me for my retardedness.. my lack of motivation.. my lack of concern for Your body..for your heart.. Forgive me.. for not being able to see past the huge plank in my eye..while i was busy pointing out the tiny speck in the eye of others. Forgive me.. for neglecting Your Heart.. and seeking what You are involved in..instead of seeking You.. Forgive me.. for leaving my first Love..and convincing myself that I hadn't. Forgive me.. for thinking I had arrived.. and pride comes before a GREAT fall.. Forgive me.. for putting my well being before the well being of Your children.. Forgive me.. for giving the world a false impression of who You are.. Forgive me..for thinking that my thoughts are higher than Yours. Forgive me..Father.. for not letting the dead bury the dead..and clinging to worthless idols. Forgive me.. for lying around in self pity..rather than carrying Your heart to the nations.. Forgive me.. for blaming You for the "problems" in my life.. Forgive me.. for taking advantage of your blessings..for twisting their purpose.. Forgive me.. for lying to myself..and for rejecting what You have given me.. Forgive me for taking the Cross for granted..and for the lack of true fellowship I give to You. Forgive me..

my agenda for the next while..

October:

10/25 The Fair

10/31 Brok's 22nd Birthday

November:

11/6-8 Christmas Jubilee

11/8 Don & Cathy Channell arive

11/7-9 Lakeland Alive

Yeah.

Me and Via went to the Pier and took Bella for a walk today : ] Lovely

Blah blah blah, does anyone hear what i'm saying? am i dead?

it never ceases to amaze me how no matter what I do.... i can not EVER have an identity. Maybe that's what God wants for me....to have my identity in Him. i don't know, but once again, im back to point A "frustration"

i love Jesus alot

abortion, you're goin' down....

First Prayer Seige this friday night! Im pretty excited. I'm ready to see how God moves....

"I beleive that You will come, Like the RAIN."

Lately God has been taking me through a season where it almost feels like I'm being drug through the mud! But it's a really awesome connecting experience. He is adding reality and practicality to my desperation and zeal. He is teaching me logistics of serving Him in a world where 99% of people will never understand where I am with Him. And more than ever He is teaching me, "Obedience is better than sacrifice." Ouch, that one is HARD! But the affects of obedience are out of this world. (pun intended)

He is teaching me that just saying," i'll drop everything to follow You" ( including plans I made that I thought He made) will not suffice. I actually have to drop those plans.... but to tell you the truth, it feels really good now that I have done that. And even the hard times and frustration are suddenly more than easy to bare. Not to get mystical here, but it's literally like I'm under His wing, and every time someone throws a blow at me, He blocks it. Not that I still don't get mad sometimes, but I am learning how to deal with conflict in a Godly way.

I'll say goodbye to my father,my mother, and i'll press on....

SO, lately I have been thinking about the usual, school, dropping out, purpose, and God. These are the main thoughts of my life for the past year or so. Not a whim.

I'm not going to waste my time expressing how i feel about dropping out for a purpose, because i am yet to find anyone who agrees, which is fine, I'm just saying i am not going to waste my effort expressing my thoughts for no reason. HOWEVER, I do want to lay my thoughts out there concerning the things affected by my opinion.

My plan:

Keep swallowing the ridiculous injustices of my home for two more months, and dealing with a brother who hates me like no body's business. and then in January moving to Orlando to start ministry school and get a job. and then go from there.


BUT:
There is always God's plan. And i spend the mass majority of my time talking to Him, and listening to Him. So He and i have discussed this topic quite a bit.the thing about God is, He is the only one in my life who has ever made me face consequences. Sure, i have always been given ultimatums in my life by parent's, teachers, etc. but i have always found a loop hole, or just found a way to escape consequence. but with God, I know if i disobey, there will be a price to pay. And in a strange way, i feel comforted in that. because I know that He is so sure that His plan is the absolute best, that to keep me from ruining myself, He is willing to let me face a consequence to keep me headed straight. (hope that makes sense)

And i know, "if you quite school you will regret it, you will kick yourself later for it,no one will respect you....blah blah blah." and perhaps that is true, but that isn't what i fear. my problem with me dropping out, is the fact that God has shown me that i am the only earthly thing my mother has. And He has given me a responsibility to make sure she is loved and taken care of. And if I will just listen to His heart, He is telling me to be patient, and take care of one thing at a time. STOP PLANNING!

I want to be so selflessly abandoned to Him, that I find joy in any and every task He has for me. I KNOW ministry school is in store, the timing is the question. And I want to find myself at His feet every second of the day. And if that means living at home for seven more months, then so be it.

I JUST WANT TO SERVE MY SAVIOR. I have finally found love. And that is all I want. To know that I am serving my LOVE.


and this is the song that He used to help me see all this....

these days are over.... sigh

it is blog time once again....

So, I'm heading up this thing called Bound4LIFE Mobile....It's way awesome, praying for God to end abortion and send revival to America. And the cool part is we pray AT abortion clinics. When God first moved on my heart to start B4L here in Mobile, I was scared that no one would come t the prayer seiges. I was like, "God? Who on earth wants to come pray at abortion clinics with me? I have no following, I dont have a sphere of influence to support me here?" And of course He blew my socks off! I have people coming from out of state and out of town that I don't even know! Is that the Body of Christ or what? I'm really into this thing recently of finding the true body of Christ, His Bride. Maybe because I'm part of it and want to know the rest of it, or "her" should I say. I am comiing to find that I don't even agree with "Church". I'm not fully informed yet, so don't take that to heart. But what happened to the new testament Church where people met and just worshipped God? I am desperate to see the day when we lay down "religion" and pick up all that God has waiting for us. I LOVE to meet Christians that I have never met before. Because you literally feel like family. It's amazing.
SO back to Bound4LIFE. My friend Don Channell was speaking at our Church a couple of weeks ago, and he was talking about the immorality in America, and he got to talking on abortion. He was saying how we can stand outside with signs all day long, and that isn't going to change ANYTHING. I totally agree. Even if they make abortion illegal, the HEARTS of America still havn't changed. Just because we aren't allowed to do something doesn't mean we don't want to. We have to PRAY that God will change the HEARTS of America, that we can turn from abortion and return to LIFE.

recent things:

I am starting a list of songs that have helpedme get through the good and bad times of my life, "a soundtrack to my life" if you will.

this is just the beginning, i will add to the list as i remember the songs....

The Last Night-Skillet (a lifesaver, literally)
Praise You in this Storm-Casting Crowns
My Immortal-Evanescence
October-Evanescence
Gavin's Song-Mark Breussard
more to come....

Sleep?

So, i think i might have Insomnia? No matter how hard i try to go to sleep, or how tired I am, I cannot go to sleep until around 2:00 or 2:30am....EVERY STINKIN NIGHT! And once i finally get to sleep, i wake up like every five minutes, and when I wake up I feel like I have been awake all night. I causes me to have head aches during the day, and Im tired of it. (pun intended)
I think im going to go to the doctor, to add to my collection of things i need to do after I win the lottery.

so, tonight i went to the FA homecoming game, and that was a HUGE mistake. i miss those people sooooo much! they are my family, and it broke my heart last year to leave them, but I thought i was following God. Maybe I was, maybe He wanted me to leave for half a year to get myslef together and now wants me to go back? i dont know. everyone told me all along i shouldnt leave. but im so hard headed!

love

so much thinking going on.... sometimes i wish i didn't think so much.
but today riding back from the beach with Don & Cathy, we were soaking in some AMAZING latin music. it wasnt steriotypical "mexican" music you hear when your eating at a Hispanic resturant, it was like Latin Jazz if that makes any sense. so here i am riding in the Suburban on a gloriously beautiful day, and im thinking about "purpose" and direction for life. and i was at such peace today, i couldnt bring myself to my usual frustration. i could only listen. as if my ability to worry and be frustrated had been numbed. i just sat and listened as God spoke love to me. I have been so caught up recently in wanting to conquer the world for Jesus. But i have neglected putting my ear to His chest and listening to His heart. I have fallen in love with ministry, and forgotten who i was ministering to and for. so today, He just reminded me, that my life is ministering to Him, and then when it's time, if it's ever time, the "ministry" will happen.
wow.

it's a beautiful day....today

today is absolutely GORGEOUS! Indeed God hears my prayers, as much as i would like to have the right to complain about Him, i know i do not. I am humbled today by how i repented to Him, using my feeble human words, and He responded with making the entire climate and atmosphere beautiful! wow, who am i?

whew

Today is Saturday 9-20-2008
Today is the ALABAMA vs. arkansas game! right now we (BAMA) are 2-0 i the season.
and today i know we will win again!

alot happening this weekend. Don & Cathy are coming in today, in an hour or two. And they will be here until about the time i fly to florida. i look forward to their visit,yet i anticipate it being a sort of stressful one. alot wil be confronted this time.

life has been bitter-sweet recently. brok has gone into total a*hole mode, and mom is trying her best to be depressed again. i am so thankful that i have only been depressed once in my life. mom and brok are depressed on aver age 10 out of 12 months. and seem to like it. i can't stand depression. it is ugly, and self-centered. alot is happening in our Church right now, tearing my mom up inside. and so her hands are full of Church politics and a selfish son.

im about to lose it with brok. i have never been so disrespected by a male in my whole life, and for it to be coming from a family member makes it worse. and the most painful part is to see him rip my mom to shreds, when she is the one who has never looked down on him. he slams doors, embarrasses us in public, will not speak a word to us, and throws tantrums when he doesnt get his way. he is literally making life MISERABLE in our home. i told mom she should give him two weeks to straighten up, or a month to get out of the house.

then she pulls the "you gave me hell too!" card out. and yes, i did. BUT when i was depressed, it was my first and only time, i still spoke to her, i did not try to hurt her, and i worked toward getting better, i went to counseling, and i sought Godly people for help. not to mention, i was 17, brok is 22!

so it makes me furious when she pulls that out. and she even admits that she has made life extremely easy for brok his entire life. he never got in trouble if he failed a subject in school, though i would get grounded for having a c on my report card. he never had to clean, yet i was being mean if i had the slightest mess in my room. he could disrespect her and mouth off to her any time he wanted,yet i would get in trouble for speaking my opinion.

im too old now to bee concerned with "fairness" but im just proving my point of how ridiculous this is. obviously the strict rules that were placed on me helped me to become a whole person. and the lack of discipline on his part....well you see how that turned out.

anyways, i just have a lot on my heart right now. trying to follow God's track for my life, to reach others, while trying to hold my mom up, and defend her from my brother.
gahh....

so i had to put Roxy down today.... it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.... she was amazing, and that doesnt even begin to describe her.... i love my RaRa....

REVIVAL

Im so excited about what God is doing in the Church, as well as in the earth!

Revival seems to be springing up in different places simultaneously. This weekend I have been going to some services at City Church of Mobile. Let me tell you, the FIRE is falling! The hunger is so intense, and the desperation is unstoppable. People are so hungry now, that they are not willing to let go until they have everything!

Joe was preaching the other night, and he was saying how we "worship" just enough to sense HIM, and then stop....we play around the veil, but never proceed into His Presence. But what we should really be doing is going beyond the veil, getting in the Glory, and staying there until we get to Heaven!

He was preaching on the story where Elijah told Ahab that there would be no rain until he told him there would be.... and then at the end the prophets of baal, and Elijah went to the top of the mountain, and Elijah said that which ever god answered with fire was the real god. So he told them to go first, they "frantically" prayed for baal to show up, and the whole time Elijah was teasing them....asking them where was their god? He said maybe he was asleep, or busy? So then Elijah had them put water on his wood, and the Holy Spirit came with FIRE!

Thats what the world is looking for! REAL! And we have what is REAL! It's time to get up, and get out, and TAKE the REAL to them! We have to stop waiting on them to come get what they need....the Bible says they don't know their right hand from their left! How are they supposed to know what they are looking for?

"I will set You as a seal, upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm. For there is love that is a strong as death, jealousy demanding as the grave. And many waters, cannot quench this love."

this is my long blog of endless things running through my mind....when i have alot on my mind, good or bad, it always helps me to jot them down, or in this case, type them....enjoy : ]


1st : Bible study was awesome....we only had eight(8) show up, but it was all we needed to start. normally if im gonna do a thing in our Church, i like practically beg people to come, but this time i didn't....the purpose of not beggiing this time was that the meetings were going to be having are focused on having a desire, and yearning to see God move in our country....and if i have to beg people to come, it defeats the point....this is totally a matter of will.

but tonight was awesome....we briefly spoke of what each of us thought was hindering Revival....the different responses were way cool. so then we got in a circle and each person repented for the whole nation for what they believed was the reason we havn't had revival.

it was awesome....

2nd : we are starting the Mobile chapter of Bound4LIFE.... it's associated with THE CALL....it is where a group of believers gather atleast once a month at a local courthouse or abortion clinic and pray silently to end abortion and bring revival.... praying silently represents the silent cries of the unborn babies....


3rd:
it's awesome

4th : im becoming so very frustrated with a new thing God has started in my life....it's a very good thing....im just not quite understanding it....

MARINA super hero #1

God Speaks

so i have found myself worrying this week(all week) about the "Bible Study" im starting on saturday nights. Beause I have this huge hope for God to show up, and just take over. And i've been so worried that nothing will happen, and so on.

So i was listenong to Him, and asking for direction, and I had the song it's all about You playing.
it says:
" It's all about You, JesusAnd all this is for YouFor Your glory and your fameIt's not about meAs if You should do things my wayYou alone are God And I surrender to your waysJesus, lover of my soulAll consuming fire is in Your gazeJesus, I want you to knowI will follow you all my daysFor no one else in history is like youAnd history itself belongs to youAlpha and Omega, You have loved meAnd I will share eternity with You "

ANd He just said to me, " I'll do what I want to do, and it will turn out how I have it planned, if your surrendered."

Whew! What a relief....

Kim Clement

I would very much enjoy spending like a week with Kim Clement, and I would not say a single word the whole time. I would just listen.

Garden Sanctuary People

So, it's been a while since I've posted....

I'm starting a Bible study this week. Open to guys and girls, young and old. God spoke to me about this last night. I'm super excited, because it's going to reach beyond my home Church! Finally!

Two Main Objectives of Prayer of These Meetings:

1> TO SEE REVIVAL FIRE HIT MOBILE

2> SEE SOULS SAVED FOR THE GLORY OF GOD

Were going to focus on seeking God's Presence and asking Him for direction on leading our city to Him.

\I'm excited to see what He's going to do!

So much is happening.

So, I've been seeking God about where He wants me to start with missions. Because I'm not just going to wake up in Asia one day : ] I have to start somewhere, get hooked up with a ministry. So, I found this ministry called "Cover The Earth", they do missions trips and crusades all over the Earth. And in January they are going to Seoul, Korea. I really feel like I'm supposed to go on this trip. I'm so desperate to bring the Gospel to Asia.

I had a good heart to heart with my mother about my calling to missions today, and I told her basically that I need her support. She's never been too happy about my being called to Asia, because (as any mother would) she's worried about my safety. But for the first time today, she told me that she would support that calling. That was so nice to hear. She's supportive of my January trip to Korea, as long as I can raise the money.... I know HE will provide.

ALSO, Marilyn Hickey Ministries is taking a trip to India in October, which she is also supportive of. So....I'm seeking the will of God on both of these trips.... SO EXCITING!

This is Roxanne! But I call her "Foxy Roxy"

To You i give my life, not just the parts i want to.

Oh, my goodness. Today was amazing. God really moved in the service, I had imagined a very moving service, but i didnt expect it. But He brought it! It was amazing. Praise God.

This is no sacrifice....

Tonight, I was starving for some one-on-one time with my Heavenly Father. So I told God, "I want to spend some time with You." And of course He was more than ready. I pray randomly throughout the day, but I was in need of some serious Presence time.Just to meet with Him, and soak in His very essence. So I put in my Jason Upton CD, and I began reading His word. But I wasn't getting any direction on where to read. I could just tell that He was wanting me on my face, just to listen. I had the CD on the song that says, " Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." And He took me back to the time we had spent earlier this week when He revealed to me that He wanted me to place my hurt over my Daddy's death on the alter. And how liberating and empowering that was. And He showed me that it's time to share that message with people. It's time for the local Church and the world to know that " Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." I'm not just blabbing, I know from experience, there is FREEDOM! for every person on earth! His word is like a Fire shut up in my bones. It's time for Revival EVERYWHERE! It's time, now! I'm not going to miss out on it. It's simple folks, His word says in Jonah 2:8 "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."
Lay it aside people!I was keeping my pain as a worthless idol, and in turn, I forfeited the grace that was supposed to be mine! I could have been healed a long time ago! He only ask that we let go of our "worthless" idols. They seem so valuable to us. But when we stand before God, they will burn up in the fire, as wood, hay, and stubble. Think about it, He's ready.

Jonah 2:8

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."

This verse is so powerful, because grace is so important. And it's handed to us, yet paid for by the highest price by Jesus. And with it, God changes our lives, yet, we flat out give it up and reject it just so we can hang on to our "worthless idols". I don't know about you, but I'd much rather have the grace of God my Father, than any worthless thing trying to rule my life, which will utimately bring destruction.

God GIVES His grace to us, we can't deserve it, that's the beauty of it. He only ask that we lay aside the things that we let block His will for us. Think about it.

New Season, New Blog

yes, as you may have noticed, my blog has undergone quite a load of plastic surgery. In my quest to seek out God while He may be found, I had to get rid of all of that horrible negativity in my old blog. They were words of hate and anger, and quite frankly I dont think that would help me get closer to God. Now dont misunderstand, im not trying to "over-spiritualize" here, im just trying to make sure i dont get sucked back into "my old ways". Kapish?